Tales From The Coffinmaster William Shakespeare #1 Romeo Dracula And Juliet Van Helsing: Part One: Cursed Starcrossed Lovers Who Are Really Having A Hard Time Of It

*(Hello, I'm the Narrator, and welcome, my fiends, to a tale of twisted tragedy, petrifying producers, and stage fright so bad it could raise the dead, literally, they're all over the place. They're actually the production crew.)* *(Gather around for the opening monologue of 'Tales From The Coffinmaster William Shakespeare #1: Romeo Dracula and Juliet Van Helsing!' and we can't forget the subtitle 'Part One: Cursed Starcrossed Lovers Who Are Really Having A Hard Time Of It'. For Pete's sake! **(Pete's my non-related twin.)** How do I put it? The book's title is an overstuffed, silly oration **(Wait until you read the story.)** that's not only way too long, but also redundantly redundant. Why not call the story, 'The Haunting Horror of the Cursed Possessed Haunted Evil Demon Ghost House of Terror: A True Factual Tale Based on Actual Real Events That Really Happened **(Probably)**'? Hmm… Actually, that title might be better.)* *(This fictional gem promises every spooky synonym in the thesaurus, as if the author was paid by the word and the scream. **(Sorry… couldn't help it or help myself.)** Expect at least three forewords, two prologues, and a surprise epilogue written by the ghost of Stephen King's editor. **(Nope, not happening.)** Let's get on with the synopsis.)* *('Tis I, the 'Coffinmaster William Shakespeare, Bard of the Bizarre, Playwright of the Paranormal **(No, I'm lying. You already know who I am, but I thought I'd impersonate the thespian-boob.)** and your host for a bone-chilling, blood-curdling theatrical production like no other: Tales of the Macabre! My magnum opus of misery, a dreadfully divine anthology of fiendish frights and ghastly giggles, ready to hit the boards of the cursed TARDIS Studio, a timeless building with more haunted history than Netflix has true crime docs. )* *(But lo! What pigglet through yonder boardroom breaks? A mysterious cabal of shady "producers" **(I use that term more loosely than an influencer's morals)** descend upon my stage with sinister contracts and puppyish NDAs. Think: if Succession had a baby with The Exorcist and raised it on reality TV.)* *(With names like Kandy Korpse, Biff Bezos, and Meryl Scream, these backers bring changes more terrifying than a reboot of The Office starring AI clones. They hijack my script, turn my tragedy into a TikTok musical, and cast actual monsters for authenticity. **(What's wrong with that?)** )* *(As I fight to preserve the integrity of my haunted show, I must face zombified interns **(no actual interns, only a female human whose only job is getting coffee)** ghostly gaffers, possessed propmasters, and a kitten AI stage manager named Clippy.exe who just wants to "help you edit your soul.")* **IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER AHEAD** **MAKE SURE TO READ. IT'S IMPORTANT!!** *(DISCLAIMER: None of that is true. None of those characters are in the story. After all, Tales of the Macabre is a low-budget production, and I do meme no-budget, like a CW reboot of 'The Blair Witch Project' shot entirely on expired Ring doorbell footage and funded by Spirit Halloween coupons.)* *(NOW... back to the synopsis.)* *(But the piece de resistance? My twisted take on Romeo and Juliet, retitled Romeo Dracula and Juliet Van Helsing! A bloodsucking boy toy and a monster-hunting maiden with sass, locked in a forbidden love more cursed than an HBO finale. **(Think Game Of Thrones)** )* *(Will the Bard of Blood keep his show alive, or will these diabolical execs turn my scream-worthy stories into a sanitized streaming service special? To thine own horror be true... and stay tuned!)* *(Coming soon to a cursed theater near you... with guest stars, gore, and glitter! **(Only in the author's deepest... deepest of dreams.)** )* *(Cry havoc, and let slip the clones of war!)* Coffinmaster Shakespeare: Horror comed