Me and The Monkey

"Not mainstream? Proudly so? Monkey speaks to you" - Geeknative.com "Completely bonkers and one of the most enjoyable reads I have had in ages" "...the lovechild of Hunter S. Thompson and Terry Pratchett" this is an alcohol and cigar fuelled thrill ride. Booze, ghouls, guns, magic, black holes, and the Illuminati - need I say more? - The Ritual Blog 20 November Went in to wake up The Monkey this morning and found his teddy bear tied to the bed with black electrical tape and looking very much the worse for wear. The Monkey was still fast asleep with a very satisfied smile on his face. I knew it was a bad idea to let him download 50 Shades of Grey onto his iPad. Cultural references he said… Just wanted to see what all of the fuss was about he said… My arse! Me and The Monkey went to see Skyfall, the local cinema is running a load of Bond films over the next week. Nearly kicked off when the girl offered him Chunky Monkey ice cream – he doesn't like stereotypes (when it suits him…). Rescued it with Phish Food and a large box of butter popcorn but he kept giving the girl evils all the way to the screen… 23 November There seems to be bad blood between The Monkey and next door's dog. I asked The Monkey what the problem was and he muttered something about being double crossed on a coke deal, and then told me to, 'Mind my own business, bitch.' Well at least he's not flinging shit about… 24 November The Monkey has been on my eBay account and bid for a JCB. I really hope the bid doesn't win… I'm sure The Monkey has been watching Geordie Shore… I heard drunken shouts of whey-aye coming from the living room but when I opened the door, he was watching Family Guy. Although he did have a guilty look on his face and the remote control was covered in monkey spit… 25 November So, got to the bottom of the Geordie Shore thing. Apparently, The Monkey thought someone had shaved a bunch of Bonobo chimps and made a documentary about them. He couldn't watch it with me in the room because it embarrassed him so much (I think this may be a first for him). Since discovering that they are human he says he has gained new levels of contempt for our species… Welcome to the blog... Well there's this talking monkey who won me in a game of Othello in a coffee shop in Amsterdam. He came back to Cornwall with me and has become a prolific reader and dabbler in magic. He also has past life flash backs – the most prominent of which are the Nam special forces ones. We have partially deceased girlfriends who apparently eat dead bodies. The Monkey created a sort of black hole in the spare bedroom and now we have a team of nerds investigating it and trying to stop 'things' coming out of it. A bunch of Oriental hit men who appear to believe he is a god attempted to steal The Monkey's magic lolly pop sticks, but he managed to blow them up in their caravan. We are off to Cambodia in search of a temple from which came a monkey faced pendant with glowing eyes and we seem to have upset an international cabal who are out to get us. Oh, and did I mention that The Monkey likes a cigar and we regularly get very drunk on Jack Daniels… Interested? Perplexed? Worried? Come on in and join the fun.